It started like this. "None of this is my fault. It's yours." I lived in that place for many years. The resentment and blame nearly killed me.
When the pain got so great I couldn't function in my own life, I asked for help. I was instructed to pray and say "thank you" to God. I was certain this wouldn't work because I was mad at Him anyway. He'd let me down a few times, as I saw it, and why should I lean on someone who was so quiet. Just in case, I kept praying every day.
Then slowly, ever so slowly, as naturally as one breath follows another, I began to see my memories differently. I had yelled and screamed and called my loved ones names if turned-about would tear me to pieces. I lied and said my life was fine. I said whatever I thought I needed to -- to get what I wanted. And, I could see the look of disbelief in my husband's eyes. In his silence, presence and his love, I found the courage to look at myself honestly and get to work changing some very negative habits. I continued praying. Every time I had a negative thought, I was told to "turn over the coin". Turn the negative into a positive. Easy squeezy. Immediately, I was inundated with negative thoughts. I couldn't blink without thinking badly about someone or something. What a shock! Then, to restate my thought positively took way too much time. My life came to a standstill.
With so much downtime and umpteen prayers, I began to see with a new set of glasses. I saw my part in what happened. I was causing the grief in my relationships. I was untrustworthy because none of my loved ones knew when I might "blow". And, I was ashamed. So ashamed that I didn't think I could bear it. Finally, when I thought I'd rather die than face another second of the person I had become, I fell to my knees and said, "God, you know what a mess I have made. I have hurt the people I care about the most. This is wrong, but I can't stop. Will you help me? I want to live the way You want me to live. Please forgive me for these wrongs." I stood up and decided to take a shower. As I was rinsing off the soap, I felt as if a warm bucket of honey was being poured over my head. I fell back against the shower wall and began to weep. I knew, with absolute certainty, God was near and had forgiven me.
If you are wearing orange and want to break out, I highly recommend what has worked for me: pray and make a move in the right direction. Your heart knows which way to go.